On the one hand, I’m glad I ordered those binders the other night, because mine sure as hell is too big.

On the other hand, it’s clear to me that I DO need something full-torso, and not just because it’s safer/more comfortable.

On the other other hand, it is even more clear to me that I do need something under a full-body-whatever, so it’s just as well that I ordered the binders.

Confused yet? That’s okay, I am, too.

On the plus (I guess, inasmuch as bras can be classified as a “plus”) side, I just got a couple of bras that fit me, but also are minimizers, so that helps all around.

Picture behind the cut. Continue reading

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Experimentation

With a bit more time to work with, I tried the binder out again on Saturday. With your notes, I lifted a bit, and also moved the girls to the sides, and it helped.

In a dress shirt, it’s definitely still a bit of a drop-off. Less so than before, but definitely more noticeable than in a t-shirt.

It’s hard to say what a properly fitting t-shirt would look like, as the more masculine ones I own are too big for me. Out of a combination of needing room for the boobs, wanting something bigger because I’d rather my more masculine shirts not be showing off my curves, and having lost a bit of weight (and, okay, perhaps a bit of stretching in there), they’re not precisely small.

Which is usually okay, because I’m not, either.

But wearing one out with the binder… it was like a TENT. It was ridiculously large.

So, I’d be interested to see what it looks like with a smaller shirt.

Meanwhile, I wore it for 6 hours, and it was totally comfortable (minus the time when I didn’t pull it back down properly after using the bathroom, and it rolled up and the edge dug into my flab. but that was easily rectified). This adds to my wondering about whether I wouldn’t be able to pull off a size smaller, given how squishy I am. Not that I’m going there any time soon. But – yes, it was a bit tricky to get on, but not difficult, and not at all uncomfortable. Which, given comments I’ve seen from other people, made me wonder.

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Comfortable though it may have been, somewhere between hours 2 (when the movie I was attending was supposed to start) and 5 (when the movie I was attending let out and I was able to look at myself again), my breasts did the thing that they always do if there isn’t a brick wall separating them, and became a unified front, giving me a strange pointy lump at the front of my chest.

I’m not quite sure what to do about that – obviously when not in a theatre, I’d have more of an opportunity to use the restroom and re-adjust, but on the flip side, I probably wouldn’t want to be constantly going and re-adjusting.

Maybe I can make a foam something or other to stick between them, to try and avoid any wandering?

Surely I can’t be the only person with this issue. Off to look up more binding tips…

First attempt at binding

(With something other than a super tight sports bra, that is.)

I finally sucked it up and ordered a binder last week. We had a little bit of wiggle room in the budget, and I wanted to see if it would help.

I’ve only worn it once now, mind, so we’ll see. I’m glad I got it, but I think I’m going to have to look at pics of larger bio men to see if I can better arrange all my different bits.

It’s certainly the right size, and does a good job of flattening everything down to equal sizes. The problem seems to be that, when your breasts come 9-10″ out from your chest wall, there’s only so much that compression will do.

So, yes, I was able to put on and button a dress shirt I normally can’t, and from the front, it looked pretty decent.

But from the side, I’m not sure. Don’t get me wrong, I’m well aware of the concept of “moobs,” and that if I were a bio man, I’d have them. But this doesn’t look like that. I feel like it still looks distinctly feminine. It’s sort of like… I’ve got a diagonal shelf coming out from my neck? Hard to explain. So I took pictures.

Taking a deep breath and hitting post before I can chicken out. Pics behind the cut, because though I’m (obviously) covered in each, they’re definitely revealing.

Any advice on positioning/clothing/layering?

Continue reading

Cue Panic

The wife and I are going to a wedding later this month. Long, long ago, when we started thinking about it in more concrete terms than “hey! wedding!” I got rather annoyed. I didn’t have any dress or skirt/top combo that both a)fit and b)was appropriate for a wedding, and I sure as hell didn’t want to spend money on one that I wasn’t going to wear again.

I jokingly put out there that I should get a jacket and wear a jacket and tie instead.

And wife, being wonderful wife, said, “yes! you should!”

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And here we are, far closer to the event, and I have a jacket, a tie, a nice short-sleeved dress shirt, and dress pants. I even picked up a billfold like I’ve been wanting for ages, so I won’t look like an ass, trying to find a place for my driver’s license and debit card.

I am quite confident that I look good in the top, tie and jacket.

And yet, I am panicking.

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The parents of the bride are family members who were not so nice when the wife and I got married, and then dropped off the face of the earth, as far as contact with us went. The one has started to make amends over the last year and a half or so, but it’s still rather tenuous ground, and I am equal parts hoping and worrying that they’ll have a literal stroke in the middle of the venue.

My mother is rather immune to my eclectic style (so to say) at this point (and, at Christmas, said only to me, “are those men’s shoes?” “yes.” “ah, okay. I didn’t think you wore a 7…”), but has never seen me fully decked out in suit-wear. I haven’t mentioned to her that I’m doing this. I’m not sure why. Perhaps she’ll be fine with it. Perhaps she’ll think it’s utterly ridiculous and roll her eyes. Honestly, it’s about a 50/50 chance either way.  But, much as I know she loves me no matter what, it’s still hard when I know she thinks I’m being ridiculous, when it’s something that’s not ridiculous to me.

The one person who DOES know is the Bride, and she hasn’t said anything negative about it, so I suppose that’s all that matters. I did threaten to wear sneakers with the suit (converse one stars – I’m not a heathen), and may still do that, channeling my inner David Tennant. But I’m not sure I’m quite young and hip enough to pull it off in a room full of 20-something hipster musicians, and my family.

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I am confident that I’ll look good.

I am confident that I’ll feel good.

Now I just need to get over the fear of other people’s opinions.

Butch? No thanks.

After hitting “publish” on my last post, it occurred to me that a lot of what I wrote about feeling and expressing myself in a masculine way had to do with clothes.

And then I had a panic that “oh, oh no, the people who read this (all two of you) are going to think that my feelings about gender are only related to fashion and that’s so stuuuuuuuupid.”

So, um. Right.

Lest I need to put that out there – I know that clothes do not define gender.

Nor does dressing in a masculine manner make somebody a boy.

I know this.

However, for me, that is the bulk of my outward expression. Especially at this point in time, where I really can’t make myself look any more masculine, without actually going in for surgery (which is a tricky and complicated subject unto itself).

And here’s the trickier part – I don’t like looking “butch.” I mean, okay, the look in and of itself doesn’t bother me – I certainly enjoy it on other women, and have no problem with butch people in and of themselves. But I am not butch.

And I am, apparently (as I’ve learned digging deep into my psyche this last half year), really really bothered with the idea of looking like a butch lesbian.

Which, given that I’m an overweight biological woman, with a very large rack, who has a very very short haircut, and prefers to wear masculine clothing…

it’s bound to happen.

And I cringe at that.

Not for any reason related to what the look implies. Just because… it’s not me.

When I think of how I’d look, if I could create myself from scratch, even looking like a guy, it’s certainly not anything that would fall under the “butch” category. I definitely prefer, while not a “dapper” look, definitely a more clean, put-together, sort of metro look. Not suits and ties, necessarily, but …

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I am totally failing at bringing the thoughts from my head and putting them into words on the screen.

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The moral of the story, as it is, is that it’s hard for me, in this body, to find clothes that express me as ME. I can dress up as a woman, and look nice. I can wear men’s clothes, and look like a shlub. Or like a butch lesbian. Or a shlubby butch lesbian. And none of those things are me. I’m still floundering at a way to outwardly express how I feel like I’d like to look (with, you know, magic instant free & painless surgery, plus the effects of years of working out without having actually worked out), in a way that is at all feasible with this body.

So, now that I’ve muddied the waters up a bunch… that’s what I was trying to clarify. Good luck with that.