Complex and Conflicted

This is going behind a cut, mostly ’cause it ain’t really anything I’m proud of.

I put in the fucking cut tag and I can’t even get it out in words. It’s just really stupid.

Somebody that I know is in the process of making the decision to get a double mastectomy (& subsequent reconstruction) for health reasons. So there’s been a fuck ton of talk about surgery, surgeons, timelines, etc.

And part of me – probably about 80%, is just really fucking proud of her for being proactive of her health and taking hard steps to do so.

But that other 20% is jealous and bitter over her having socially (and insurance-ly) acceptable reasons to have it done, to have a relatively short timeline in front of her, with minimal costs and loads of support.

(100% of me gets that this is so immensely scary that I’ll never truly be able to comprehend it. that same 100% is all sick to fucking death of other people saying how brave she is.)

.

It’s stupid and it’s petty and it’s bullshit, and I know that, and I’m just hoping that putting this down in writing will help me get it out of my system. I guess we’ll see.

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